I'm still fractured. I'm still in pieces. I'm still trying to find my way.
I'm fighting to find my way and to get back on a plan... a plan that will work for me. I HATE the contant cravings. I HATE that my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night is about food. HATE it. I fell like kimkins has left me with my metabolism really screwed up, my blood sugar all confused, and my mind in a fog.
I'm trying to formulate a plan, but I don't want to post it because I don't want to risk criticism or at the worst, failure.
There has been a lot of talk about the health risks that KIMKINS will cause (has caused) but that has not been my issue. MY ISSUE IS THE EMOTIONAL RIP inside. I am bouncing up and down with depression and fear and anxiety. Will I gain it back? will I make it? Can I find my way?
In a nutshell, my mom died... I gained up to my biggest ... I dieted and fell and lost and fell and seemed to make NO progress ... then I "did" kimkins. I lost quickly and I thought about how proud my mom would be. My victory was wrapped up in the fact that my mom would have been so proud of me. This is the deep part inside that I didn't discuss with everyone. Yes I did it for "me", but deep down and more importantly for me, my mom.
I'm not as interested about the health concerns (YES these are huge concerns, but I am talking about MY experience and since I did not have any health problems I am addressing another issue). My whole problem has been the emotional upheaval. I was lied to... I was decieved ... I am embarrased that I recommended this to other people. I am ashamed that I would "correct" other people who said, "That doesn't sound to healthy."
I feel....
scared
sad
depressed
I don't want to get up in the mornings (eat? don't eat? cream in my coffee?)
I don't want to clean up and put on makeup. (Is it any use?)
I don't want to get dressed. (Will my shirt button? will my clothes fit?)
I don't want to go outside my door. (Will others see that I am gaining ... again?)
Everything feels upside down and there is only one thing that I can do.
KEEP TRYING
I must find the road again. But I am so TIRED of thinking about diet / food / eating / losing / gaining / kimkins / heidi / tippy / diet diet diet.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS.... I am not going to give up. Ever.
Now THAT is something that mom would be proud of.
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2 comments:
Your mom is proud of you cause you didn't stay enslaved to that fraudulent woman and you dealt honestly and cleanly about the cruise thing.
But, as someone who suffers from bouts of depression since childhood (one of my overeating issues is bingeing when depression strikes), you got depression going. I don't know if you have someone you can talk to about it--professional?--but consider it. Or a spiritual counselor? Or a really good pal who won't judge you and just help you during the "dark night" part.
(((((((((((Regandy))))))))))
I'm glad you bared your feelings. I know from seeing stuff posted that mnay others feel the same--embarrassed, shamed, betrayed, raw... Sharing it might help someone else not feel alone.
And I hope sun shines into your spirit and you start feeling good again very, very soon.
The Princess
Becky,
((((hugs)))
You are not alone. I understand SO MUCH of what you are feeling. Thanks for sharing!!
We are going to get this all figured out, and we are going to finish losing, and learn to maintain...
Now.. go put some make up on.. and get dressed and go out for a walk!!! :) Yes.. you are worth the extra effort and the extra time spent on YOU. :)
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