Schizophrenic Diet?

My business is now finished with kimkins. The cruise money has been returned in full.

There have been several of us who have discussed the "transition" away from the very unsafe practices of the kimkins diet. We can't help thinking though that there might be a little bit of truth in the heap of deceit that is at kimkins. We are starting a group to try and make the mental transition to adding healthy fats to our diet. The "truth" ... the only truth, perhaps ... is the food list. Those foods eaten in healthy quantities are healthful. I guess you could say it wasn't so much the "form" of the diet but rather the "methods" being practiced. It was the old "less" is more... the less you ate the more you could lose. DUH? .... but at a great expense.

But there is the constant nagging fear of over eating again and gaining. It seems odd to me that this feeling is so strong... stronger than with any other diet I have ever tried. Usually when I got off a diet I didn't care what I ate... I was just off the diet! This has been different. I have to fight my urges to "starve", skip meals, fast, and deny myself. It's as if my mind is thinking that it is either all or nothing at all. I've got to find the middle ground where I am eating enough nutrients AND still losing the weight.

It can get very confusing. Weight Watchers is eating the "correct" variety of foods all the time. The Weigh Down Workshop diet is to eat only when hungry, which could be once per day. Slim Fast is 2 shakes and a healthy dinner. Weight Loss Surgery causes you to eat small quantities. Low Carb is eat as much fat, but keep carbohydrates low. Argh.. I feel like a diet schizophrenic.

I'm not giving up. I'm not quitting. I will see 135 pounds. I will settle and maintain that weight because it is perfect for my heighth and age. It's coming.

Kimmer wants honesty up front

I said that I wanted nothing "private" when it comes to Kimmer/Kimkins/Heidi. I don't want anything springing up later that could be misconstrued in any way.

I sent a reply to Kimmer via email which only contained a link to this blog.

Here is her response (the other "Becky" is referring to Littlebit):

No need to be snippy Becky. I know you and Becky have an alliance and the private school connection. No problem to me. I would have just preferred honesty upfront, that's all.I wish you well. :)

Honesty up front? Hmmmm ... Can anyone interpret that for me? Anyone? Anyone?

Kimmer, I wanna be free

You sent me an email and commented: "After the PMs you send me which pretty much said the opposite of what you're posting at Jimmy's, I'm kind of scratching my head about it."

Here is the reason that my early PM's to don't exactly match my posts on recent lowcarb threads. In the beginning I still believed it was a plot. In the beginning I just couldn't believe that it could all be a lie. I still wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

As the days and weeks have passed, more pieces of the puzzle are put together and the picture is now clear. You didn't tell the truth. AND you think that I didn't tell you the truth? (concerning my PM's and my posts matching)

YES, I admit, in the beginning my PM's were still believing in you. As I saw more and more things exposed, I began to be careful about what I wrote... as you wrote in the email, " There's no need to "plan your exit carefully", you could have left at any time. You explained to me your reason for leaving, although you don't need a reason at all. Kimkins isn't a prison."

Since you had lied about the photos and the weight loss and the foster children, does that not EXPLAIN why I was "careful"? There were some very good friends at kimkins that I didn't want to lose touch with. There were some people depending on me concerning the cruise. When I give my word I will do everything that I can to keep my word.

Of course my PM's don't match my posts.... I got wiser. I saw more proof from MORE than one source.

Which brings me to the last point. MONEY. You sent me $1,500 to pay for 4 admin tickets for the cruise. I sent you $1,000 of that back through paypal (and I have the receipt). I owe you $500. Here is the deal. NOT pretty, but honest. SINCE the payment wasn't due until October, I used the money on purchases (cruise trinkets - $100) knowing that I would have the money when the next payment was due. I HAD NO IDEA that things would change so rapidly and that the money would become an issue. I have told you that I would send it back to you, and I will. I do not expect you to pay for anything connected to the cruise. In the email you mentioned that "Any monies we advanced to you for the Kimkins Cruise should be returned. Please send any receipts/paperwork to Heidi Diaz, 529 N. McKinley #104-309, Corona, CA 92879. Any unreturned cash advance must be reported as personal income per IRS regulations." Please look for a paypal deposit by my next paycheck on the 1st.

I'm not hiding. I want my contacts to be public, that is why I am putting my reply here. I don't want there to be ANY questions concerning my answers.

I want to be free.

MY Kimmer truth....

I lost quickly as long as I didn't eat. My favorite saying was to 'drink' more than I ate (bouillion, shakes, water, etc). BECAUSE when I ate I couldn't stay away from the "fat". I couldn't do without the cream in my coffee. I fought myself over it for a long time until I gave in and re-interpreted the "just enough fat" to be 45+ grams. I guess most would say that saved my "health". Secretly? hmm.... this is hard. Secretly I wondered if this was what people with Eating Disorders went through... that it was never enough. Secretly I wondered how in the world I was ever going to get into "maintenance". I guess I sort of knew somewhere inside that it just wasn't going to last.

So now I am back on regular Atkins.

But there are still lingering questions.
.......... Why does she lie?
.......... What is it going to take to stop her?
.......... Why did she do with all that money?
.......... How long had she planned this scam OR did it just fall into her lap?
.......... Does she have parents? Are they aware of her actions?
.......... IF everyone knows where she lives now, how come no one has started picketing outside her apartment?
.......... NOW that everyone has her address, how come more people haven't taken more pictures?
.......... Will I ever be as gullible again? ... or as trusting?

AND MY BIGGEST QUESTION: WHO IN THE WORLD IS THAT WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS???!?!?!?!?

I mentioned to someone that Kimkins is like the LOTTERY for the obese. They scrape together all the change that they can in hopes of buying the winning ticket even at the expense of their family ... and their own health. I watch the poorest of people forgo paying bills or buying groceries in order to buy a ticket. They all want a "position" or "comfort" or "recognition".

I have wanted to quit thinking about it. I want to just leave it all alone. But I can't. It haunts me. I think about what all I have done.. everything that I have posted. Did I contribute to it? You bet I did. I never gave solid, direct advice, but I did encourage others to continue with their bad ways. I remember trying to "validate" kimmer because, bless her heart, she took such abuse from LCF. I bragged that "I" had known her since 2001 (might have been early 2002, thinking back). I thought that somehow giving her "roots" -- false roots, nonetheless -- would somehow make it better. I thought about the day that I could say that "I knew her when..."

I gave the web address to so many people. I spread her name among everyone I came in contact with. I even have a couple of friends still there... and I cannot get in touch with them.

Then there is the issue that I dropped LCF and a few friends there because they weren't "with the program". AND then there is the issue of feeling angry at Jimmy Moore for his "about face" not understanding that he was one of the "good guys" as far as seeing through her. I apologize.

It was the most interesting time... for 8 months of my life. Wow, not even a whole year. Seems like longer.

I'm sad that it had to end. I am sad that it wasn't true.

I'm glad that I am not ill. I worry about my metabolism but I know that can be repaired with time. I am thankful to have met some good solid people there.

And I can't help but think that things happen for a reason. There is no "coincidence" -- "All things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to His purpose." ... ALL things, even this.